Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
