I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
