my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
