why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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