Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
