you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
