Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
