a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
