I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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