I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
