I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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