I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
