Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
