Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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