it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
