Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
