we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
