Are we in a gay sports bar?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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