Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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