And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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