Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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