i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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