Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize