her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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