just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
