i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
