tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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