I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
