I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
