Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just want nice things and good sex
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
