I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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