Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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