Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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