Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize