Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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