I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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