she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
