I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
