I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
