I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
