I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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