So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
