Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
