I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
