at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
