I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
