I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He passed out mid-signature
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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