she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
