Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
