All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
