I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
