He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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