if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
