That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
