Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize