Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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