oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
