we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
