i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
