something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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